Saturday, October 22, 2005

Oh Deer Me

Friday, October 21, 2005

Reply to the Notice of Revocation of Independence

(Click here for the Notice of Revocation of Independence)

Dear Sirs:

We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors. While some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed.

As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchical duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised. But in any event, she may resume their duties, as they appear to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as she ages, she keeps from stepping foot in our car parks.

As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices. I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox Lewis, for that matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of both the tube and the Gatwick express.

Now, in specific response to your proposals:


1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a dictionary, namely the Random House Canadian version. I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of like a list of the countries in which English is spoken --

United States of America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the home rule option.

2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely English. Please continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings.

3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents. Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler chainsmokers of you speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the starting gun, rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.

4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals. Hollywood should begin casting English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the past year or so than all British actors combined.

5) My country 'tis of thee.
Sweet land of liberty.
Of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died.
Land of the pilgrims pride.
From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring.

It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the difference.

6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to come on over and sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the match.

As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many of them would survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America. It's called work ethic.

7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you. (ed. note: a few of us snuck back in)

8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election. We might also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German."

9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good. We will show you American women and you will know what we mean.

10) Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."

While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?

Thank you.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Notice of Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a decent president of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders, other than Iraq) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Generally, you should raise our vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders other than Iraq may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders other than Iraq should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

(Click here for the Reply to the Notice of Revocation of Independence)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Monday, October 17, 2005

Canadian Jokes

CANADIAN JOKE #1

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

CANADIAN JOKE #2

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure it's easy," replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently
beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

CANADIAN JOKE #3

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

CANADIAN JOKE #4

In Canada we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

CANADIAN JOKE #5

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They preceded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT YOU BASTARD!!!"

CANADIAN JOKE #6

A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton, phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Auz Olympics

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Q: Which direction should I drive Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.