Saturday, December 03, 2005

Community Networker

Anyone who has had anything to do with community groups will identify with this one!


JOB DESCRIPTION
We are seeking an experienced networker to join our high tech task force out there in cyberspace.
You will be able to work as part of a virtual team and be supplied with a virtual budget, a virtual desk and a virtual phone.
You will be able to work on your own initiative and invent things to do.
We expect you to spend the majority of your time linking in with other networks and needlessly filling in other people's e-mail in-trays with your useless suggestions and half baked schemes.

SKILLS AND ABILITIES
1. High levels of enthusiasm matched with low levels of frustration
2. Good overview of IT and where it can go
3. Low expectations of actually getting there
4. Ability to discuss the same plans endlessly
5. Ability to take full force kicks in the teeth
6. Healthy scepticism about the digital inclusion "agenda"

SALARY - paid through barter with other community networks
HOURS OF WORK - between browsing episodes
CONTACTS - the world and his aunty
REPORTING TO - anyone that will listen
SPECIAL CONDITIONS - Bring your own coffee

Friday, December 02, 2005

Bitter Wedding

Below is an apparently true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming (many from long distances), to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair including the wedding party was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told them all to open the envelopes.

Inside each envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had got suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you,". Then he turned to the bride and said "Screw you." Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the following Monday.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world; we just live in it.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Blame it On The Dog

This is the 100th Joke Mail posting. I thought I'd celebrate by putting up another of my all time favourites!


A man and his wife have their high society friends round for dinner. They are all sitting at the table, when the man uncontrollably breaks wind, and a foul odour rises up and spreads through the room.

"Rover!" shouts his wife, "Get out from under the table!"

The man inwardly lets out a sigh or relief. "Thank God she's blamed the dog," he thinks. "I'd better make sure he stays there in case I let out another". And with that, the man slips Rover a piece of meat from his plate.

However, before the main course is finished, the man lets out another ripper.

"ROVER!" yells the wife, "Get out of there right now!"

Smiling to himself, the man slips the dog another piece of meat.

As they all begin to tuck into desert, the man feels a huge one building up, but feeling the dog sitting at his ankles, he doesn't hold back and the most tremendous fart is let loose.

"ROVER!" screams the wife, "Get out from under there before he shits on you!"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Expensive Parrots

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot and asks the owner what he has.

"This one here is rather special - he costs £10,000" says the shopkeeper.

"Ten grand for a parrot??!!! What's so special about him?"

"Well," replies the shopkeeper, "he doesn't just repeat words, he can hold conversations about philosophy and psychology!"

The man decides to check this out and is surprised to find himself having a decent chat about existentialism with the parrot. "Amazing", he says, "have you any others?"

"Well this one here is £20,000" says the shopkeeper as he produces a 2nd parrot.

"Twice the price? What does this one do?" asks the man.

"This one is not only a good conversationalist, but is fluent in French, German and Spanish too" replies the shopkeeper.

"Blimey," exclaims the man, "What about this one over here?"

"£50,000!"

"My God! What does this parrot do?"

"Well, not a lot as far as I can tell," explains the shopkeeper, "but the other two call him 'Master'"

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Only in Britain

Only in Britain...

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke (actually, I think this one is pretty universal).

...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


THE BRITISH WAY OF LIFE

* 3 people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

* 142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

* 58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

* 31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

* 19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

* Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

* 101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

* 18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

* A massive 543 people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

* 5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars.

* 8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Miracle Diet

Diet People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards.

Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).
Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers, rub in hair.

Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.

Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sniffer Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"

The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!