Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Tommy Cooper quotes

Two blondes walk into a building..........
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted," Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...
And pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in Several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

8 comments:

niTin said...

>>jg
2 Seater Cessna Plane...
1826 bodies...
cemetery...
digging...

Apparently the Irish are doing something wrong.

Sir Dirty Joke said...

Cool! Thanks for the link btw!

Colin Campbell said...

Hello

This cracked me up this morning. My wife is running a lame joke competition at work for her team. Some of these are good candidates. Tommy Cooper was one of a small group of people that would make my Grumpy Granny laugh. I can just imagine him saying these.

BTW I have included a link, so that I can have instant credibility with my family. My kids are now starting to appreciate jokes. Got to start them young. Thanks for your valuable social service.

Kim Ayres said...

JG - I think Nitin says it all.

Sir Dirty Joke - no problem

Colin - I've returned the link - thank you for yours!

me said...

genius. nuff said.
check out the link to razzamatazz on my page. he actually wrote for tommy!
(he hasn't blogged for ages cos he is in the process of getting 2 books sorted, but you can access his other pages from there. well worth a look if you have a spare couple of days!)

Jupiter's Girl said...

Now, I can laugh. My A.D.D. skipped the word "cemetery". I should take some drugs for that, but I think it would hurt my multi-tasking abilities.

Anonymous said...

Take the meds. They are fun even if you don't really have ADD! Btw, that elephant joke is either way beyond me or just ay too lame. Boom, boom? Why the comma? What other noise is one expecting? Maybe I missed something that time!

Anonymous said...

Boom, Boom is a phrase like ba-dum tish - it's like the punchline emphasised by the drummer. So Boom, boom has 2 meanings - it's the punchline and the sound of the elephants hitting.

I guess you're not British then