Saturday, January 07, 2006

Things that piss me off...

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Too right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

Friday, January 06, 2006

Imponderables

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'broker'?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Have You Ever Noticed...

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

2) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle get synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost impossible to resist.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a piss flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Real Star Signs

Another one from Safetinspector's collection, although I might have thought it came from El Barbudo...


Aries Mar.21-Apr.19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

*******

Taurus Apr.20-May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a god-damned communist.

*******

Gemini May 21-June 20
You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

*******

Cancer June 21-July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to others people's problems, which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

*******

Leo July 23-Aug.22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

*******

Virgo Aug.23-Sept.22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo makes good bus drivers and pimps.

*******

Libra Sept.23-Oct.21
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

*******

Scorpio Oct.22-Nov.21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

*******

Sagittarius Nov.22-Dec.21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

*******

Capricorn Dec.22-Jan.19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.

*******

Aquarius Jan.20-Feb.18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

*******

Pisces Feb.19-Mar.20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

*******

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

You Know You're From Michigan When....

I'm away for couple of days, so here are two more from SafeTInspector's collection to keep you smiling!


You Know You're From Michigan When....

- You own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

- You have 10 favorite recipes for venison

- You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper

- Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

- The local paper covers national and international news on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

- You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

- Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

- You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

- You drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre"

- You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your Michigan friends

Monday, January 02, 2006

Sons' Success Stories

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's So rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment.

"He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Top 10 Reasons Why E-mail is Like a Penis

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Safetinspector sent me a wadge of his joke e-mails a week or two back, so I thought I'd kick start the New Year with one of his:


Top 10 Reasons Why E-mail is Like a Penis

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the #1 reason E-mail is like a penis…

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.