Saturday, January 14, 2006

Who says guys aren't sentimental?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sittingat the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Whyare you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused; the words were not coming easily.

Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

Friday, January 13, 2006

Desert Island

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh Man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs,

"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?!?"

Thursday, January 12, 2006

How Yodelling Began

California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, and here's how it all began for real.

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Men...

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit­ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

New "Date Rape" Drug

Hamilton Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

BEWARE!!!

Monday, January 09, 2006

Scottish Weather

Please note that we're talking Fahrenheit scale here. For those too young to remember it and prefer the Celsius scale: minus 32, divide by 9 and multiply by 5.

Dr Maroon might just be old enough and Scottish enough to appreciate this one


Scottish Weather, its auld but guid

50 degrees --
New Yorkers turn on the heat.
People in Scotland plant gardens.

40 degrees --
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees --
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees --
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees --
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming.

Zero degrees --
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Scotland have the last bbq before it gets cold.

10 degrees below zero --
People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

20 degrees below zero --
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

80 degrees below zero --
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero --
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland pull down their ear flaps.

173 degrees below zero --
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.

297 degrees below zero --
Microbial life start to disappear.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 degrees below zero --
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying "chilly, you cald an aw?"

500 degrees below zero --
Hell freezes over.
Aberdeen win the Scottish Cup.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Axis of Evil

OK, this one is past its sell-by-date.

One of the problems of raiding your old e-mail folder is that quite a lot of the jokes that fly around are about the news of the day. As it is, I've already dumped several about Bill Clinton that really didn't make a great deal of sense if you don't remember the exact news story it was refering to.

However, shortly before someone burst into the room yelling "Did you hear? Bush has Invaded Iraq!!!", to which the reply came "Oh, that is, like, soooo ten-years ago...", I was sent this one which I thought was funny enough to include, even though events have since made one or two of the key players redundant...

-JM-

AXIS OF EVIL

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be way eviler than that Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best at being evil."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,although they conceded that they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the Evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake - ours is wicked cool."

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical musical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries that Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics Any Time Soon".

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America", while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the "Axis of Countries That Allow Sheep to Wear Lipstick".

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of he "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay'", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.