Saturday, January 21, 2006

Why?

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken out skin?

2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery

5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?

6. Why is a boxing ring square?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?

11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

17. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

18. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

19. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?

20. If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

21. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

22. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

23. What do chickens think we taste like?

24. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?

25. What do you call a male ladybug?

26. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

27. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

28. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

29. Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

30. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

33. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

34. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

35. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

36. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

37. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

38. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

39. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

40. You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

41. If a fire-fighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

42. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

43. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

44. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

45. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

46. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

47. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

48. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an aeroplane?

49. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Friday, January 20, 2006

Try Saying... Instead of...

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received, this will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases have been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas & information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offence.


TRY SAYING - Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF - And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING - I'm certain that that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF - No fucking way.

TRY SAYING - Really?
INSTEAD OF - You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING - Perhaps you should check with ......
INSTEAD OF - Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING - I wasn't involved in that project.
INSTEAD OF - It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING - That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF - What the fuck!

TRY SAYING - I'm not sure that this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF - This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING - I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF - Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner.

TRY SAYING - He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF - He's got his head up his arse.

TRY SAYING - Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF - Eat shit & die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING - So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF - Kiss my arse.

TRY SAYING - I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF - Fuck off, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING - I don't think you quite understand.
INSTEAD OF - Shove it up your arse.

TRY SAYING - I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF - This fucking job sucks.

TRY SAYING - You want me to take care of that.
INSTEAD OF - Who the fuck died & made you the boss?

TRY SAYING - I see.
INSTEAD OF - Fuck me.

TRY SAYING - I think you could use a little more training.
INSTEAD OF - You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank you,
Human Resources.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Bad Japanese Accent

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

How to Shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.

Leave on hair for five minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.

Shave armpits and legs.

Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Apply after shower body oil.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel making a turban.

Apply scented talcum powder followed by a fine mist of parfum.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel turban on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth... You don't use one.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Fart in the shower & laugh at how loud and stinky it is.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt using your wife's aloe & lavender facial soap, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the bar.

Shampoo your hair.

Do not use conditioner.

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles.

Admire the wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom naked drying off hair on the way.

If you pass your wife, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed.

Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

We've Always Done it This Way

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" rings any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is a exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that is the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that is the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that is the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's arse came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. Thiokol makes the SRBs at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse.

And you thought being an ARSE wasn't important!

Monday, January 16, 2006

More Anti-Men stuff...

Q--What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or alternate answer - three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

Q - How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A - Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

Sunday, January 15, 2006

First Irish Joke of This Blog

Shamus and Paddy are standing at the top of a cliff looking tentatively over the edge.

Underneath each of Shamus' arms he's got a cage containing a budgie and Paddy has a parrot in one hand and gun in the other.

After several minutes Shamus turns to Paddy and says, "right if we're going to go through wit dis we'd best get on wit it." And with that he jumps off the cliff, falls two hundred feet, lands on some rocks and breaks every bone in his body.

Seeing all this from the top of the cliff Paddy takes a deep breath and follows his friend by leaping over the edge. On the way down Paddy quickly releases the parrot, gets his gun out and starts to fire as many bullets as he can at the parrot before hitting the rocks below and also breaking every bone in his body.

Eventually the Mountain Rescue team arrive and airlift the pair of half dead Irishmen to hospital. Upon arrival the doctor looks at Paddy and Shamus' mangled and twisted bodies and asks what the hell happened to the pair of them.

To which Shamus replies..

"Be Jesus doctor it's all a bit hazy but I can tell you one thing I'm never be trying that budgie jumping again."

And Paddy says

"And dat parrot shoot jumping ain't all its cracked up to be neither."