Saturday, February 25, 2006

For Passing Back Next Time You Get a Chain Email

Hello, my name is Basmati Kippar. I am suffering from rare deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed, or that Bill Gates is going to "share his fortune".

Do you honestly believe that the technology exists to somehow track your pathetic emails, and that somehow there is enough money sloshing around in some fund somewhere to cover this pointless exercise? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! It's as bad as imagining that Shell Oil can track your car and will send 10p to the third world for every journey you make.

It's like saying "If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!" What a pile of bullsh*t. So basically, this message is a big "F*** YOU" to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2003, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. F*** them.

But wait, it's not enough that some person who barely knows me sends out this excrement. These time wasters do not even think to delete the hundreds of email addresses and legal disclaimers already appended to the text of the message, which itslef lies within approximately ten levels of attachments.

Oh yes, I'm talking to people like you, Lesley Campbell at NetDirect - "Management and Training Consultant" - whose mobile phone number I have now written on numerous toilet walls. Well, it's not going to matter anyway, seeing as 500 people received your wonderful email before I did. A classic example of someone who should know better. Thanks to you and your type of inept IT user, I have harvested precisely 179 email addresses from just one message! I have used them to send this message
to, and I may well abuse them again sometime to make up for all the seconds of my life that were wasted typing this.

Still, I suppose people are always going to forward something, in which case at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to everyone in your address book (a slight give-away)" emails about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. So for future
reference;


THE FIVE BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
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> >
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> Make a wish!!!
> >
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> No, really, go on and make one!!!
> >
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> Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!
> >
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> Not that, you pervert!!
> >
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> Is your finger getting tired yet?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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> STOP!!!!
> >
> >
> >
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

* Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will firebomb your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!


Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless, Armless, Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:

Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

PS You'll probably receive this email again several times over the next few years as new users are added to the web, and who think they are the first to receive this and will send it on to all their friends. Arseholes.


Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be arse-raped by mad chimpanzees, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... * no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.


Chain Letter Type 5
I can't be bothered any more, so let's just say that almost all the so-called virus warnings you'll ever receive from well-meaning but ultimately braindead friends, will be hoaxes. You know, the ones which were only discovered yesterday, can destroy your hard drive, and have no cure. Funnily enough, these messages also state that you should email everyone under the sun with this important information. Thanks but no thanks, dick-weed.

-----------------------------------------------------

The point of all this being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll have to look at me naked!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

New Ferrari Pit Crew

Modena, Italy: FERRARI'S F1 TEAM HAS FIRED ITS ENTIRE PIT CREW.

The announcement follows Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Scottish Executive's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from the Gorbals.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Glasgow were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds using a shifting spanner, a lump-hammer, a dozen house bricks and all carried out while sky-high on Mad Dog 20/20. Whereas Ferrari's existing crew is in peak fitness and still requires more than 8 seconds using "state of the art equipment".

Taking on this new crew was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari's expectations were exceeded. During the Crew's first practice session, not only were the soap dodgers able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within a further 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen bottles of buckie and an ounce of the good weed (nae seeds or twigs, bye the way).

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

English is a Beautiful Language

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No.
No = Yes
Maybe = No.
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Lawyers

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Texas and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied.

"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city slicker. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Monday, February 20, 2006

Aircraft Problems and Solutions

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands or the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Things you'd love to say at work but can't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks