Saturday, March 04, 2006

Equations

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. After a long-distance courtship they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked, and all the furniture piled in one corner.

'What happened?' she asks.

'I've never been with a woman', he says. 'But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!'

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bumper Stickers for Women

1. So many men, so few who can afford me

2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends

3. Coffee, chocolate, men... some things are just better rich

4. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

5. I'm out of oestrogen and I have a gun

6. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it

7. Do not start with me, you will not win

8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time

9. All stressed out and no one to choke

10. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

11. Don't upset me - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

12. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Moral of the Story...

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I will give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

A Blonde Joke

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $30, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well, then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

"Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out .."

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .. then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer... and while holding it close to her lips tentatively said...

"Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

Monday, February 27, 2006

The Fastest Thing in Life

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.

After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"

"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think Blinking is even quicker."

"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in," I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?!" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I sh*t myself!