Saturday, March 25, 2006

Letter to Bank

A letter I'm sure many of us would like to send:

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement that, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for the dexterity in seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity that your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, at this juncture and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his must countersign all copies of his or her medical history/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which s/he must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry the contact will then be put on hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

Banking Customer

Friday, March 24, 2006

Letter to God

Little Timmy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Timmy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Timmy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Timmy, of course, thought he did.

Timmy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Timmy to reflect on his behaviour over the last year. “Go to your room, Timmy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your Birthday."

Little Timmy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Timmy

Timmy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God, This is your friend, Timmy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Timmy

Timmy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3:
Dear God, I have been an "OK"! Boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Timmy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Timmy wrote another letter.

Letter 4:
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Timmy

Timmy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Timmy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Timmy's mother thought her plan had worked as Timmy looked very sad.

Timmy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Timmy went in to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Timmy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with piece of paper and a pen. Timmy began to write his Letter to God.

Letter 5:
God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Genie of the IRS

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand, several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut!," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

* P O O F *
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Ok, kid, what's your second wish?""

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

* P O O F *
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare Gold coins and precious gems.

"Ok, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

* P O O F * He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story?...............

If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there must be a string attached.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Married Bliss

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:


54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbours would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


==================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:


5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV


Of the times we did get together:


The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Bill Gates' Choice

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. "I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT!" said God. "That was the Screen saver."

Monday, March 20, 2006

Hospital Charts

Apparently these are actual writings on hospital charts...

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Help is at hand

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a penny.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the penny and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies… "Divorce Lawyer."