Saturday, April 08, 2006

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Friday, April 07, 2006

Careful what you ask for

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her:

"Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

"God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.

As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Essex Girls

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

*****************************

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

******************************

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name"

Girl: "Sharon"

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes"

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate"

******************************

An Essex girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."

*****************************

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Sharon: Ok

Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up

Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Something for the weekend, sir?

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same slogan ...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better.

Tesco Condoms - every little helps.

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger-licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Duracell condoms - keep going and going.

Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms - no comment required.

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain

Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.

On-digital condoms - plug and play!!!!

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (sorry!)

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world.

AA Condoms - the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (A VERY poor seller)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Vaseline

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Monday, April 03, 2006

Shipwrecked

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


With thanks to SafeTinspector for this one

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Classified Classics

Taken from Classified Ads in Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
-----
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
-------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
--------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-----
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
---
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
--
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-----
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
-------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
--------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
--------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS &BOX SPRINGS - $175.00
--------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
-------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
---
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE &DONUTS
----
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.