Saturday, July 01, 2006

Stress Management Technique

Just in case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See! You're smiling already.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Morality Test

A Test of Your Morality and Ethics


With all your honor and dignity - what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking... By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand in moral terms...

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down s l o w ly - this is important for the test to work correctly.


You're in Florida...


In Miami, to be exact...


There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all the floodings...


There are huge masses of water all over you....


You are a CNN photographer....


...and you are in the middle of this great disaster .....


The situation is nearly hopeless.


You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...


There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water masses...


Nature is showing all its destructive power...


.... and is ripping everything away with it...


Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...


He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud...


You move closer...


Somehow the man looks familiar and important...


Suddenly you know who it is -it's George W. Bush!


At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever...


You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.


So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo...


A photo displaying the last moments of a very powerful man...


And here's the question: (Please give an honest answer now)





Will you make the photo black and white, or color?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

One of the worst jokes ever...

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise...


BUMP........


BUMP........


BUMP........


Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.


BUMP........


BUMP........


BUMP........


He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.


BUMP........


BUMP........


BUMP........


He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster...


BUMP........BUMP......


BUMP........BUMP......


BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...


He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin...

Still it came...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it...

Still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...

Still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it...




The coffin stopped.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Things a dog must remember

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it u
up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. no matter how good they smell.

9. Kitty box crunches, although tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them after processing, in the back yard.

11. The diaper bin is not a cookie jar.

12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans. If they want me to have one, they'll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel, neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity first thing after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a magical, never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue doesn't mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.

28. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided.
Except when in-laws are here.

29. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

30. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the mailman WILL be back

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Earthquake Strikes Dundee

NEWS FLASH - MAJOR EARTHQUAKE STRIKES DUNDEE

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Dundee in the early hours of Saturday.

Epicentre:- Whitfield

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "Whit the f*ck!" and "Whaurd that comfae?". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from the Baldovie skip were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Grampian News reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother-of-five fae Ormiston Crescent, said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Levi-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two - Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Chantelle slept through it all, as well as my great granny Lorrain. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, loads of Provie cheques and Bone China from Poundstretcher.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell Suits (female), white sports socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine, £5 will pay for a packet of B&Hs and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of Douglas, Fintry and St Marys.

ENDS

Monday, June 26, 2006

Mammogram Practice Exercises

First Mammogram Practice Exercises

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there:

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Annual Smear

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year for their annual visit for a smear. In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000...


I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynaecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already round 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over,I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It has my glitter and sparkles in it.

Oh... my... God!!!