Saturday, July 22, 2006

Electric Chair

Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They threw the switch and nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.

The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They threw the switch and, again, not hing happened. They fell to their knees; begged for her forgiveness, and released her.

The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"

Friday, July 21, 2006

Doctor, doctor...

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here".

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash

"£1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." he says "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Cat Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed-up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

Never take your days for granted nor the people in your life.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

We are not young

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

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THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Council House Repairs

These are (allegedly) extracts from actual letters sent by tenants to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK!!

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. ....and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers and they smell.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in five pieces.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.


15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had a clerk of the works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

21. My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

22. ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take anymore.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Satan

The towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."