Saturday, November 11, 2006

Give Blood

A couple were in a bad accident.

The woman was badly injured, and the man donated some of his blood to the woman and it saved her life.

A few years later they split up and the man, in his fury, shouted at her, "And to think I gave blood so you could live."

Quick as a flash the woman ripped out her tampon and said, "Here you are you selfish bastard, I'll pay you back monthly!"


With thanks to The Cappuccino Kid for this one

Friday, November 10, 2006

The traffic jam

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster, London came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening economy, or that his parties proposed tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The man asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

A Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 plus the interest which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only
£15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A sensitive man?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves on one of the bedroom walls, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.

She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he's put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She finds it strange for a young man to have such a large collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while she's thinking to herself ... This is wonderful! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!...etc.

She turns to him...they kiss.. and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, ............

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Too late for Halloween, but still funny enough to post

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off him and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".

Monday, November 06, 2006

Warning: Australian Virus

There is a dangerous Australian virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 06-11-06:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks

It took me a while to look for a bonfire night related joke, but this was the best I could find

***********

The local bobby had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening love, in all my years on the beat I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two lads down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."