Saturday, November 18, 2006

Nursing Home Police

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home,taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand.

"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.

Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyser again!"

Friday, November 17, 2006

Two Whales

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!

Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.

The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen"

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Aussie Dunny

Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook – gone before his time.

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers round his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, “foul play “ was not ruled out,

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,
When dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

“I reckon I can clear it up,” said dad with trembling breath,
“You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.”

“This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles,

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,

So I moved the dunny over it – real smart move I thought,
I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be “caught short”,

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go,

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath - until he heard the splash!!!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Terror Levels

This one came out just after the London Bombings...

Following the events in London last week the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military.

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shouting excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans have also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for legitimacy".

Finally here in UK we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "chin-up" and "remain cheerful"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tragedy?

Tony Blair was visiting a school the other day when a Teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead in a discussion on the word "Tragedy". So the PM asked the class for an example of "Tragedy".

One little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in a field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Dear Leader, "that would be a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Blair looked all round the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand and in a quiet voice said, "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr Blair, was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and was blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy as it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wasn't an accident either!".

Monday, November 13, 2006

Romance on a Dark Stormy Night

They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...

And wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

She wanted that... more than anything ..

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...as did their growing passion.

And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...

So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...

just the faint click of a camera......






With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for this one

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sisters of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: "SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES"

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says: "SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES"

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real... Then he drives past a third sign saying: "SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT"

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: "SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS"

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door..."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin up answers the door. This nun instructs, "please place $100 in the cup. Then, go through the large door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:...

GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER


With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for this one