Saturday, February 03, 2007

Rabbit and the toasties

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

Smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"


The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".


If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Friday, February 02, 2007

God, the engineer

An electrical, a mechanical and a civil engineer all sat down one day to try and decide of which of their faculties god must be to design the human body.

The electrical engineer says god must be an electrical engineer, for you only have to look at the complex nervous system powered be electrical impulses.

The mechanical engineer was sure that god must be a mechanical engineer, for the advanced mechanical systems, the heart a pump, the veins pipes and the tendons and muscles an advanced pulley system.

Finally after hearing the civil engineers arguments, both the mechanical and electrical engineer both agreed that god must be a civil engineer, for who else would run a sewer system through a recreational area!


With thanks to niTin for this one

If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Haggle

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

"She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And of course the rest is history...


With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for this one

If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Underwear

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead



If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."


With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for this one

If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Monday, January 29, 2007

Marketing

The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:


1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.


8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Junk Mail.


9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's the Governor of California .


10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.

That's America .


With thanks to Jupiter's Girl for these


If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page

Sunday, January 28, 2007

A few random quotes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.



If you would like to see your favourite joke here at Joke Mail, please place it in the Submissions Page