Saturday, March 17, 2007

Behavioural conditioning

A psychology professor brings a chimpanzee to class one day. 'I'm going to demonstrate the power of behavioural conditioning,' he says to the gathered students. 'No matter what I do to this chimp, he will still love and obey me'.

Whereupon he kicks the chimpanzee in the balls. The chimp doubles up in pain and the professor knees him under the chin. The ape sprawls backwards and the professor grabs him by the ankles and bashes his head repeatedly against the wall. Stunned and bewildered, the chimpanzee staggers to his feet, goes over to the professor, unzips his flies and starts giving him a blow job.

'Do any of you want to have a go?' asks the professor.

'I will,' pipes up one of the students, 'but please don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey.'


With thanks to Foot Eater for this one.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Washing Instructions



With thanks to Cappy for this one

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Cyanide

Lady goes to the drug store and asks for cyanide

The pharmacist asks, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replies "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes get big and he exclaims, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The first lesson

A group of first-year medical students are gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The professor then rolls the body over, inserts his finger into the corpse’s anus, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.

“Now do the same,” he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”


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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Monday, March 12, 2007

Girls at Golf

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!"
she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so angry if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day!" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his backside!."


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Sunday, March 11, 2007

Time online


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