Saturday, April 07, 2007

Struggling with booze

Friday, April 06, 2007

The Newfie Painter

Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Gander for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Would be me pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."


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Thursday, April 05, 2007

Mildred and Earl

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

An Important Meeting

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me; if you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


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Monday, April 02, 2007

Adult Dog Store


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Sunday, April 01, 2007

Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?"

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words what happened the night of April 1st?"

Little Old Lady: “There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.'

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?”

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "Hell, no! He just yelled, April Fools! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."


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