Saturday, May 05, 2007

The History of Cinco de Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Friday, May 04, 2007

New and Improved Lawnmowers

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids."

The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Talking Dog

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale ."

He rang the bell. The owner appeared and told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "Do you talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the guy recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said: "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy was amazed. He went back inside and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy said.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Hit and Run Case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Breakfast in Moleland

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

Monday, April 30, 2007

Memory Fails

A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"When he cries?" They demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

Sunday, April 29, 2007

After many trials---

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Beer/ Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.