Saturday, May 19, 2007

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Two Blondes With Hammers

Nina and Billie Jo were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Nina, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Billie Jo, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Nina explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Billie Jo got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Little Billy

LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's
right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful.
Little BILLY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on
little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Running for Office

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Long Live the Pope

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

Monday, May 14, 2007

Viagra For Gramps

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

What Did You Say About Mama??

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"