Saturday, June 23, 2007

A Father's Last Request

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Friday, June 22, 2007

Phone troubles

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin', pal. There's no paper."

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tiny Wish

A man is sitting in a pub, when a guy with an incredibly small head walks in and sits down next to him.

The first guy looks up and bursts out laughing. He asks, "What on earth happened to your head?"

The second man replies, "I was stranded on an island and a bottle floated up. I opened it and out came a female genie. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She told me I had one wish - so I took my time and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Finally, I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives making passionate love to each other. She told me that was the one wish she couldn't fulfill."

"So, then what happened?" asked the first guy.

"Well, before I could think, I blurted out, 'So I suppose a little head is out of the question?'"

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

May I Borrow the Car?

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.

The dad says, "Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair."

The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, "Dad, Jesus had long hair..."

And the dad replies, "Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?"

Monday, June 18, 2007

10 Ways to Annoy Cops

1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

Sunday, June 17, 2007

You Can't Outdo a Texan

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?