Saturday, September 01, 2007

WRONG BITCH

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The Frenchwoman just sniffed and said to no one in particular Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Ethel in the Nursing Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in
a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted< "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "on your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt
naked and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that damn breathalyzer test again!"

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Don't Drink And Not Drive

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window.

"It's a ghost, dude!"

"Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost.

"You got a smoke?" They give him a smoke, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You got a light?" They give a light, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns.

"You guys need help getting out the mud?"

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Montana Ghost Story

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Monday, August 27, 2007

Hoshimota

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability.

The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"

Concerned, his partner turns to him, "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

Sunday, August 26, 2007

2 Weeks to Live

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live".

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"

The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".

"Just name it, I’ll do whatever it is." He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition?”

The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."