Saturday, September 29, 2007

Voodoo Enronomics

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Friday, September 28, 2007

A Fottle and a Farton

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my pe rsonal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Two hillbillies

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?”

The woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?"

She shakes her head.

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head NO.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and expels the obstruction which flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks back to his seat. His partner says " Ya know, I'd heered 'bout that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Southern University Psychology

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"

Monday, September 24, 2007

Analysis of the ''F'' Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “fuck.”

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- “What the fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud -- “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation -- “Oh, fuck it!”
4) Trouble -- “I guess I'm fucked now.”
5) Aggression -- “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust -- “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion -- “What the fuck...?”
8) Difficulty -- “I don't understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair -- “Fucked again....”
10) Pleasure -- “I fucking couldn't be happier.”
11) Displeasure -- “What the fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost -- “Where the fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief -- “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation -- “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial -- “I didn't fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity -- “I know fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy -- “Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings -- “How the fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion -- “Who the fuck are you?”
20) Panic -- “Let's get the fuck out of here.”
21) Directions -- “Fuck off.”
22) Awe -- “How the fuck did you do that?”

It can be used in an anatomical description -- “He's a fucking asshole.” It can be used to tell time -- “It's five fucking thirty.” It can be used in business -- “How did I wind up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal -- “Motherfucker.” It can be political -- “Fuck Clinton!”

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” -- Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -- General Custer
“That's not a real fucking gun, is it?” -- John Lennon
“Who's gonna fucking find out?” -- Richard Nixon
“Why the fuck did that apple hit me?” -- Issac Newton
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” -- Marie Antoinette
“I could have used a fucking map.” -- Ulysses
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” -- Captain of the Titanic
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -- Albert Einstein
“It DOES SO fucking look like her!” -- Picasso
“Okay, I know... we'll build this BIG fucking wall to keep them out.” -- Emperor of the Ch'in Dynasty
“I can't believe I just fucking said that.” -- Patrick Henry
“Fucking backstabbers!” -- Julius Caesar
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” -- Michelangelo
“Fellatio is not fucking!” -- Bill Clinton
“Where is that fucking pizza guy?” -- Elvis
“Why? Because its fucking there!” -- Sir Edmund Hilary
“I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?” -- Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” -- Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” -- John F. Kennedy
“What are the fucking chances I'm going to heaven?” -- Adolf Hitler
“Hey, where the fuck are your turbans?” -- Christopher Columbus when he discovered the “Indians”.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: ‘God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms, and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”

Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.