Saturday, October 27, 2007

Cabbie picks up a Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Friday, October 26, 2007

Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try These...

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions,"' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Lottery

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"

Her husband yells back, "Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Three Guys Go to Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was riding a skateboard."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Brunette Meets Genie

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Groaner

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it takes five sessions.