Saturday, November 03, 2007

Two Nuns In Transylvania

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny, little Dracula jumps on the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination", says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "NOW what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen, quickly.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f*!# off the car !"

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Spoiled under 30 Crowd:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking 25 miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways …yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in h#ll I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a da#n Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

1) When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!

2) There was no email!!
We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

3) There were no MP3's or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and #*% it all up!

4) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!
If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

5) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances mister!

6) We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3­D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

7) When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with big hair or a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

8) Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network either!

You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

9) And we didn't have microwaves…
If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire...imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.

10) When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in…we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7-foot cord that ran to the phone - not to the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
“The Over 30 Crowd”

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question...

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Memo from the desk of JOKEMAIL

CONFIRMED DARWIN AWARD: Steel Steal "Gravity Still Works"

July 2007, Czech Republic | A pack of thieves attempted to steal
scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately
for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the
factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled, the roof
fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three others.

June 2007, Philippines | Three entrepreneurs planned to profit
from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former US military complex
and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by
the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind, and began
to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell?

Straight onto the thieves.

Darwin notes, "What are these thieves doing, playing a deadly
game of Jenga?! This entire category may soon become too common,
in violation of the Rule of Excellence. See Scrap Metal Thieves
and Barn Demolition."

UNCONFIRMED DARWIN AWARD: Death of Dracula

1994 | A college student dressed up as Dracula for Halloween. For
the finishing touch, he put a pine board down the front of his
shirt, so he could stick a knife into the board and pretend he was
transfixed with a killing stake. He didn't consider the strength
of the thin pine board when he tapped in the knife with a hammer.

Propelled by the force of the hammer, the sharp knife tip split
the soft wood and buried itself in his heart. He staggered from
his dorm room into the party, gasping, "I really did it!"
before succumbing before horrified friends.

CONFIRMED DARWIN AWARD: Beer for Bears

August 2007, Serbia | It's well known that alcohol impairs judgement.
It's well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don't mix.
What happens when we combine all three? One might expect men, bears,
and beer to combine with lethal consequences. Such was the case for
a 23-year old man who inadvertently fed himself to Masha and Misha
at the Belgrade Zoo.

The Zoo director said of the incident, "Only an idiot
would jump into the bear cage."

The man's naked, mauled corpse was found inside the bear habitat, along
with several mobile phones, bricks, and plenty of beer cans. His clothes
were completely undamaged, suggesting that he approached the bears
bare-naked. The bears, fearing that his intentions were as dishonorable
as they were ill-informed, meted out a summary justice.

Later, Masha and Misha "reacted angrily" when keepers tried to recover
the man's corpse, but were eventually persuaded to give up their tasty
prize. We await word on how many beers were bartered for the body.

(Thanks, JM)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Killer Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?

"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...." he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Monday, October 29, 2007

Relations

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question...

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."