Saturday, November 24, 2007

Please Grab!

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Friday, November 23, 2007

PRESS RELEASE /// THE DARWIN AWARDS///NOV 2007

PERSONAL ACCOUNT: Hedge Your Bets (near miss)2007, Ontario, Canada My friend's daughter is a plastic surgeon with expertise in reconstructive surgery. Recently a patient was rushed into the hospital, needing a surgeon to reattach the tips of his fingers to his left hand. While taking the patient history, it was found that this bright chap got the idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it to his hedge. He was holding the mower deck, trimming the hedge, and things went well until the weight of the mower got to be a bit much. He readjusted his grip on the mower deck, and that was when the blade bit him.When my friend's daughter was almost finished with the complex job of sewing this patient back together, another patient came in with the same injury! On investigation, it was found that he, too, had been using his mower to trim his hedge. Apparently this man was a neighbor of the first patient. He watched his neighbor trim his hedge, and thought it was a bright idea. Often fact is so much weirder than fiction.h

from Randy Cassingham's book, The Stella Awards, comes this...DARWIN AWARD: ZAP! (2003, California) John, a real estate attorney, was skimming leaves from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught in the power lines. Years of education equipped John with enough reasoning power to become a successful litigator. Yet his education did not equip him with sufficient acumen to avoid becoming a toasty critter, when he reached up with the long metal pole and poked at the palm frond. John was, for once, the path of least resistance.His family, perhaps as an homage to his litigation skills, sued both the utility company and the pool supply store, which failed to disclose the danger of using the pool skimmer on power lines.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about” the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they're getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”


She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father,” You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME”, and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Workplace Farting: Options Explored

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: - Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Blonde in Natchitoches

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.''

The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''

Monday, November 19, 2007

How to Annoy Your Co-Workers

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.


2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.


3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."


4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."


5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.


6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.


7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.


8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.


9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.


10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.


11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.


12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".


13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.


14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."


15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso

Sunday, November 18, 2007

मारीं और Jack

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.

He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, "Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off..."

And Mary says, "Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!"