Saturday, December 01, 2007

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Little Johnny

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly
confused. His mother is Jewish and his father is black.

So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"Does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just
have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, Little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more
black?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if
you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his
bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or
wait until it's dark and just steal the fuckin' thing."

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Boudreaux

Boudreaux asks the clerk, "Which aisle is de one whar you keeps de Cajun
sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Cajun?"

Boudreaux kind of stiffens and says, "Mais yeah. But let me ax you
somet'ing. If I had axed for Italian sausage would you ax me if I was
Italian? Or if I had axed for German bratwurst, would you ax me if I was
German? Or if I axed for a kosher hot dog would you ax me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had axed for a Taco would you ax if I was Mexican? Would you?
Well, would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, Boudreaux says, "Well den, why did you ax me if I'm Cajun, just 'cause I axed for Cajun sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The confessional

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

Monday, November 26, 2007

SH#!

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language....

Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How to write a college paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:a) Pro Bowlers Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.