Saturday, December 08, 2007

Bubba

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Tennessee, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Jackson, Tennessee . To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Nosy neighbors

Dave comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbor.

“It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw them making wild, passionate love.”

Dave said,” Was he short, about 5′8″?

“Yes”, the neighbor answers, “I believe he was.”

“Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?” Dave asked.

“Yes”, the neighbor agrees.

“Then that was the mailman, Jim, “Dave responds”. “He’ll screw
anyone!”

Dave said,” Was he short, about 5′8″?

“Yes”, the neighbor answers, “I believe he was.”

“Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?” Dave asked.

“Yes”, the neighbor agrees.

“Then that was the mailman, Jim," Dave responds. “He’ll screw
anyone!”

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Zebra's confusion

Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days
on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter says, "That's a question which only God can answer."

So the zebra goes off in search of God. When he finds Him, the zebra asks , "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replies "You are what you are."

The zebra then returns to see St. Peter once more, and St. Peter asks him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looks puzzled. "No, he says, God simply said "You are what you are."

St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Wel l then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra then asks St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Sean Connery

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times when out of the blue his agent phoned him "Sean," he said, "I've got a job for you, starts tomorrow but you've got to get there early - for 10ish".

After a short pause Sean replys, "10ish? But, I haven't played since I was at school."


(thanks to Kim for this Joke)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Bar Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Monday, December 03, 2007

Stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she exclaimed. To which he whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP.....?"

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Don't ask

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his "garage door."

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?

She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."