Saturday, May 10, 2008

Why women go to the loo in pairs

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your drawer's, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!" And your thighs continue shake and quiver even more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topples backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, then losing your footing altogether you slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable and unimaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that
your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain
her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being sucked down too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a wax coated gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit, the all purpose liquid, and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them, and you no longer try. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's open hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

Friday, May 09, 2008

New study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their arse is too fat............

10% of women think their arse is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.



(Thanks to Kim Ayres for this one.)

Thursday, May 08, 2008

A Real Watch Dog

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

FEMALE COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "no," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "no," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow said, "no."

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."