Saturday, May 24, 2008

Gender differences

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Friday, May 23, 2008

Rooster logic

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new young stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The new rooster arrogantly struts over to the old
rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be
fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month!"

Thursday, May 22, 2008

WHY WOMEN ARE SO CRABBY!!!!

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

FW: THIS IS SERIOUS

You may have read recently about the person whose kidneys were stolen from him while he was passed out. Well, read on.

Something like this happened to me and countless other women.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones were the texture of lumpy porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what had happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and those tights that pull everything in. Then, just when my guard was down the thieves struck again.

My arse was next! I knew it was the same gang, because they took great pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had lumbered me with earlier. I couldn't believe it, my new arse was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my backside complemented my thighs lump for lump. Frantically I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Last year I realised my arms had been switched. One morning I was brushing my hair when I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was getting really scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I have given up short sleeved t-shirts.

Last month my neck disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey, which it now resembled.

I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

WOMEN OF THE WORLD WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!

That really isn't plastic those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face 'lifted' look again. Was it 'lifted' from you? I think I finally found my thighs and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!!

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. THIS IS HAPPENING TO WOMEN IN YOUR TOWN EVERY NIGHT. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. How paranoid am I ? Last night I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to find that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I am keeping them safely tucked into my waistband.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

TECHNICAL DIVORCE!

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

Monday, May 19, 2008

Peg-Leg Baldy

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems.

So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again."

So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume. Again, the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head."

Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this."

Confused, the man says, "What am I suposed to do with a bag of caramels?"

Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your ass and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

What happened?

Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I accidentally hit gets out of his car... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close
to me he looks up in my face and says , "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

....... and that's when the fight started........