Friday, June 06, 2008

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)

4. Address the professor as "your excellency".

5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.

11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)

12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Sign on the Brothel

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We're closed.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Technical challenge

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

A man has six children...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Monday, June 02, 2008

Blonde in a Boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Rollerblading

Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.