Saturday, July 05, 2008

Two Ways to Look at Everything

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
****************************************************************************

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

And about those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Forwards

To all my friends who in the past year sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

Starting now, could you please just send money, wine, or gasoline vouchers?



Thank you!

Monday, June 30, 2008

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party!!!

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love,
Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!..." Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS