Saturday, July 19, 2008

Saturday

Friday, July 18, 2008

Don't mess with seniors

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," the old man said.

The Receptionist replied: "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Just like Mother

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the
shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I bet you...

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking
to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to
win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
"Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are
not square."

"Done," the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved,
if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning
with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way
and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no
one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there
was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the
day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she
and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president. "Given
the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Monday, July 14, 2008

DARWIN AWARDSDARWIN AWARDS: A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises

BALLOON PRIEST -- Confirmed True by Darwin

In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin Award
attempt, attached 45 huge helium balloons to his comfortable Sears
lawn chair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether. But instead
of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined
lift of 45 weather balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic
lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the
"flight."

In homage to Larry's whimsical adventure, a Catholic priest
recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party
balloons. Andelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the
world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to
build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Spending more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial
matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took
numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit,
selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a
GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown off course toward
the ocean. He could have parachuted to safety while still over
land, but chose against this prudent act. Not until he was
hopelessly lost at sea did he telephone for help. But rescuers
were unable to reach the voyager since he could not provide his
location. He struggled with the intricacies of his GPS as the
charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided
him straight to heaven. For several weeks, bits of balloons were
found on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body
surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? Caltholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they
voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group
earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio is a winner twice over!

Reference: globo.com, Sydney Morning Herald, Associated Press, and
numerous others

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-16.html

- - -

Note from Darwin: "A hot air balloon is maneuvered by altering
its altitude. The wind direction changes as one ascends, generally
toward the right in the northern hemisphere. A skillful pilot uses
that variation to alter the downwind track. (airborneballoons.co.uk)
By comparison, a mass of individual balloons is completely
at the mercy of the wind."