Saturday, August 09, 2008

Smokin' Dope

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

The two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

"I got 17 people to get off drugs," says the first guy.

"Wow, how'd you do that?" asks the judge.

"I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs."

"Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs."

"Wow. How'd you do that?" asked the judge.

"Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison..."

Friday, August 08, 2008

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Are you Martha or Maxine?



Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

> Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

> Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

> Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

> If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

> Celery? Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

> The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

> Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

> Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

> Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Supermarket Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Human Body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you
dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg
and the smallest is the male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the
average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest
have three.

-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to
dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much
information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your
mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to
get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an
hour as a single cell.

-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your
feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to
bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in
your body.

-Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6
months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your
pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you
hate.

-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test...now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well ..