Saturday, September 27, 2008

Metaphysical Downsizing

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)

Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.

The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?”

The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there.

Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

Friday, September 26, 2008

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. THE BARTENDER IS A BLONDE GIRL WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
2. THE BOUNCER IS A BLONDE GIRL.
3. I'M A 6 FOOT TALL, 175 LB BLONDE WOMAN WITH A BLACK BELT IN KARATE.
4. THE WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME IS BLONDE AND A PROFESSIONAL WEIGHTLIFTER.
5. THE LADY TO YOUR RIGHT IS BLONDE AND A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...
not if I'm gonna have to explain it fives times."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Catfish and Lawyers

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...


PINO MORE

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Glazed Over

A cop pulls over a guy.

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

Monday, September 22, 2008

Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."