Saturday, November 15, 2008

Fly In My Guinness

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Friday, November 14, 2008

Meeting the Irish Ma

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!"

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Sex and The Country

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

2008 DARWIN AWARDS For November

AN ILLUMINATING STORY (2008 Darwin Award)

(February 2008, France) A 71-year-old pensioner met a shocking end
when his frugal attempt to illuminate his yard with power siphoned
from the National Grid backfired spectacularly.

The gentleman in question illegally opened a major power junction box at
the front of his house, intending to hard-wire a cable to his garden shed.
Unfortunately, the poor chap attempted to do this rewiring during a major
downpour.

The fatal result was all too predictable. He was immediately deep fried
and declared deceased at the scene.

Lessons:
1--Don't hardwire your shed to a local power substation
2--Don't hardwire your shed to a power line... in the rain!
3--There _is_ such a thing as being too frugal.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-19.html
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A SCREW LOOSE (2008 Darwin Award)

(April 2008, Texas) A contract worker was hired to install reinforcement
bars on a communications tower near Camp Bullis. He was using power tools
high above the ground, when two other workers saw him lean back and fall
225 feet to his death. Turns out, the man had loosened the bolts on
the bar to which he was attached.

Police are calling it a tragic accident.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2008-20.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
BENCH PRESS (2008 Near Miss)

(August 2008, Hong Kong) It's raining. You're lonely. Why not?

That was how 41-year-old Xian found himself face down on a bench,
and calling for help in the middle of the night. The lonely man
had noticed that the steel sit-up benches in LanTian Park had
numerous ventilation holes, and thought it might be possible
to use them for sexual gratification.

Enticing orifices.

Once Xian became aroused, he found he was stuck and could not remove
himself from the hole in the bench. Quite understandably, he panicked.
Police received a call from a disturbed man, and arrived to find poor
Xian trapped face-down on the bench.

Doctors were summoned to the scene. They tried, but emergency workers
had to cut the entire bench free and take him to the hospital.

Four painful hours later, doctors finally separated Xian from his bench.
It is certainly possible that the lack of blood flow could have caused
sufficient damage that doctors would have been forced to remove his *****.

This is a bad date that Xian will never forget.

PICTURES: http://darwinawards.com/stupid/stupid2008-08.html
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Monday, November 10, 2008

A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

The Local Strip Club

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!"