Saturday, January 03, 2009

Moment of Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Friday, January 02, 2009

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Top 10 things Overheard in Times Squares on New Year's Eve

1. I'm a New York public school graduate. What comes after 10, 9, 8?

2. Is Al Sharpton in a diaper really the best choice for Baby New Year?

3. Look at the fine detail. The workmanship. The craftsmanship. Dick Clark's face is amazing!

4. How much for the 9MM 'Noisemakers'?

5. Wow! Almost as much vomit as St. Patrick's Day!

6. Three...2...1... now give me your wallet!

7. Look -- on top of the ball. It's Andrew Giuliani!

8. Oh please let that be chowder all over my pant leg.

9. You know, Dr. Elders, 'Stroke of Midnight' is just an expression.

10. Auld Lang Syne This!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009 New Year's Resolutions

As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year.

Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2009 Edition":

Resolution #1
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2007: I will not leave Marge.
2008: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2009: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
2006: I will stop looking at other women.
2007: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2008: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2009: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2006: I will not let my boss push me around.
2007: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2008: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2009: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2006: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2007: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2008: I will read 5 books a year.
2009: I will finish "Airport."

Resolution #5
2006: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2007: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2008: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2009: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
2006: I will get my weight down below 180.
2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2006: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2007: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2008: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2009: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2006: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2007: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2009: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2010.

Resolution #9
2006: I will see my dentist this year.
2007 I will have my cavities filled this year.
2008: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2009: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2006: I will go to church every Sunday.
2007: I will go to church as often as possible.
2008: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2009: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Kingdom of Windows

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS's twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0's best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He's got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, 'Why can't you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?'

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x's Brother. He's got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he's talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he'll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95's tough-guy uncle. He's got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of -- all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates' favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.

King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.

Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.

Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.

Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."