Thursday, December 24, 2009

A few to chew on

Watson stops by to wish Holmes a Merry Christmas and finds him hanging his tree with ornaments that look like model atoms, lettered in glitter H, C, Fe, O, N, &c.

 "Good Heavens!" he exclaims, "What is that?"

 "Why, Watson," Holmes replies calmly, "it's an element tree."

 ***
Two atoms rushing down a busy street bump into each other and one goes
 sprawling. The other helps him up and asks, "Are you all right?"

"No," comes the reply, "I've lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes -- I'm positive!"


****
Non-alcoholic beer is just a hypothesis -- it has no proof.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Holiday Eating Tips - For The Sane

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Holiday HO

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Q: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed?
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Darwin Awards

NEWS RELEASE // 13 December 2009

DARWIN AWARDS commemorate those individuals who give their all to improve the gene pool--by removing themselves from it!  This award is generally bestowed posthumously.

TENNESSEE PEE: Darwin Award -- UNCONFIRMED / Seeking Confirmation.
(mid-1980s, Tennessee) A mile down the road from Middle Tennessee State University, a couple of young, very drunk MTSU frat boys climbed a barbed wire fence that was intended to keep lesser mortals out of an electric substation. One frat boy climbed to the top of a transformer. That alone was an obviously bad idea, but it got worse when he urinated on the transformer on which he stood. As if electrocution via genitalia wasn't bad enough, consider his motivation to pee: a wasp nest "target" attached to the transformer. Needless to say, the wasps were the lesser of his worries. He did not live long.

Reference: Personal Account -- CAN YOU CONFIRM THIS STORY???

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

WETTING THE BED -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed by Darwin

(27 October 2009, Arkansas) Thirty-year-old Devan LeAnn of Shongaloo, Louisiana, was visiting Lake Ehrling with a male friend. Recent bouts of heavy rain had resulted in a flood of runoff water, and they decided "it would be fun" to take a mattress careening down the surging water in the spillway.

Unfortunately Leann was riding a foam egg-crate style mattress pad, rather than a buoyant air mattress. Imagine a wet foam pad. Are you sinking yet? According to her friend, Devan LeAnn simply vanished from sight at dusk. The next morning her body was found in a tangle of trees 70 yards below the spillway.

Parents, warn your children! Wetting the bed can be deadly.

Reference: Arkanas Democrat-Gazette, Texarkana Gazette

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

PAINKILLER -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed by Darwin

(17 October 2009, Minnesota) On October 26, charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, 32, who six weeks earlier had pleaded guilty to knowingly violating registration required of a predatory offender. Charges were dismissed... because Lucas was dead.

In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock, an injured "hit and run victim" was reported. The pedestrian found on the side of the road died in the ambulance.

In a related story, police reported that a 32-year-old man had concocted a scheme to stage an accident in order to obtain prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle, become injured, go to the hospital and receive narcotic painkillers. That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning, died at the scene due to head injuries.

In other words: Lucas, 32, avoided a serious parole violation because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription painkillers.

Ouch!

Reference: Mille Lacs Messenger, Mille Lacs County Times

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

...AND WHY DID THEY LET HIM OUT? -- Confirmed by Darwin

Honorable Mention / Near Miss
(17 July 2009, Germany) After a night spent carousing with friends, squeezing into the locker had seemed like an amusing idea to the man. He shut himself in a train station suitcase locker for fun, but the laughter faded as the oxygen supply ran short. His companions were unable to open the locked door and free the 20-year-old. With time running out, Ludwigshafen police broke open the door and dragged the groggy prankster to safety. 

Reports do not speculate on just WHY they let him out.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

A Very Special Dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under a car's hood.
For a male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

One-liners (to last you the weekend)

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride

Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.

Why are women's wedding dress' colored white?
It already matches the kitchen appliances.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

How are men and parking spots the same?
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!

When is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!

What did one undertaker say to the other?
Pass me another cold one!

Friday, December 04, 2009

Hubby Homing Device

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

x-mas gifts a wife can choose...

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.

The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other."

The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.

The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

In the Marines

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.

The colonel bellows, “DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?”

Then the soldier says “NO, SIR.”

The colonel shouts, “WHY NOT?” Then the soldier says, “BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!”

The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, “DID THAT HURT?”

The soldier responds, “NO, SIR.”

And the colonel says “WHY NOT?”

Then the soldier shouts, “BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!”

The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound.

The colonel asks him “DID THAT HURT?”

And the soldier says “NO, SIR.”

Then the colonel shouts, “WHY NOT?”

Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, “BECAUSE IT WAS HIS."

Monday, November 30, 2009

New Recruit

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

Friday, November 27, 2009

Blonde in a snowstorm

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Redneck lunch

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

DAVID BLAINE TEST

This is creepy!



Think of a letter between A and W






Repeat it out loud as you scroll down






Keep going






Don't stop








Think of an animal that begins with that letter








Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.







Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name.







Almost there.












Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.






Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.






Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand.




Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?








Of course they F***ing don't!



Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid online games!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Darwin Awards

SPARKLEBERRY LANE / PAINT IT BLACK -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

July 2009, South Carolina | Two disguised men entered the Sprint
store on Sparkleberry Lane, pulled out guns, and stole wallets,
purses, and credit cards before ordering the employees into a
bathroom. Both men fled, but they could not flee from their
own stupidity. 24-year-old James Thomas had disguised himself
by spray-painting his own face.

Yes, in order to conceal his identity during the robbery, Thomas
covered his skin with paint--a toxic substance with well known
inhalation risks. He began having trouble breathing (surprise!)
and died wheezing shortly after the robbery took place. Witnesses
were certain as to the identity of their assailant; had he lived,
he would have been charged with armed robbery.

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

April 2008, Florida | Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95.
Shawn Montero had left a Pompano Beach bar with three friends, and
now all four were stuck in traffic. You don't buy beer, you just
rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself.
"I need to take a leak."

He was dying to go.

Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his
hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only
to fall 65 feet to his death.

"He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a
Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. His mother shared her thoughts.
"Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his
charm, just like his father." Though his death was tragic, it
proves the old adage: Look before you leak!


"Double Darwin!"

September 2009, Belgium | Two bankrobbers attempting to make a
sizeable withdrawal from an ATM machine in Dinant died when they
overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion.
Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack. Robber
One was rushed to hospital severely injured, and Robber Two was
unexpectedly excavated from the debris twelve hours later.

Uncovering the second bungler's body was a surprise because
investigators initially assumed that the accomplice had managed
a getaway. Would-be robbers One and Two weren't exactly
impoverished--their getaway car was a BMW.

READER COMMENTS:
"Dynamite: not for everything."
"They really blew it."
"Self Banking Gone Extreme"


MY FATHER, THE PHD -- UNCONFIRMED -- Honorable Mention

"The World's Best Honorable Mention!"
Let an amused daughter tell you about her sire.

"This weekend was the final straw. Being an extremely
cost-conscious person, Dad decided that putting half a can of
varnish in the toaster oven to liquefy it was the cheapest approach.
You guessed it--the stuff caught fire! I found him in front of the
flaming oven contemplating picking up the varnish can with his bare
hands. Two-foot flames were shooting out of the can, causing me to
utter a line spoken far too many times in our house: "What in God's
name were you thinking?"

Father's attempts at Darwin Fame have included:

1) Tipping a small boat on Cayuga Lake, NY while fishing, almost
drowning my brother and himself. At the time I thought Mom was
being too hard on him when she said it was his own fault that he was
in the hospital. I have since revised my judgment.

2) Removing a branch from a locust tree by climbing a ladder with a
running chainsaw. The branch was not tied off properly, so it fell
onto a shed roof that he was trying to avoid. A rope that was held
by my mother and a neighbor slipped and both fell. Poor Mom
sustained two black eyes because she fell headfirst onto the
neighbor's knees!

3) Rolling a lawn tractor on top of himself by mowing a roadside
ditch at a steep angle, resulting in a broken rib--and poison ivy
for me because I spent ten minutes thrashing around in the
vegetation while we tried to roll the tractor off Dad. Again.

4) Fourth but not last, lighting a fire in a basement trash burner
that was not connected to an exhaust pipe. The fire department
loves us.

5) Putting an aluminum dutch oven on the stove, starting some water
to boil and wandering off to watch the evening news. Note that the
Merck Index lists the melting point of aluminum as 660 degrees C.
When Mom discovered the situation, the pot had boiled dry, the
bottom was melted out, the pot walls were glowing bright red, and
the kitchen wall was starting to smoke.

6) Testing the efficacy of old Nitroglycerin tablets by swallowing
three at once to see if they still worked. I did say he was cheap,
er, cost conscious. The EMS came to the rescue because his blood
pressure had dropped to an undesirable level and he was passed out
at the kitchen table. Mere minutes before, he was planning a drive
to the donut shop. Thank God he didn't make it to the car before
his blood pressure dropped!

He may not yet have used up nine lives, but my father, the PhD,
appears to have a running start on Darwin infamy.

(Thank Stephanie Schaaf for sharing her eccentric father with us.)

Friday, November 20, 2009

What the DICTIONARY should say...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least.....

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Monday, November 16, 2009

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later..

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Accordions

There is an accordion player driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee. While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He rushes out only to realize that he is too late. The back window of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more accordions

Friday, November 13, 2009

Using the old noggin

The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.

When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.

The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Long Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. ''I went to get a haircut,'' was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Darwin Awards - November 2009

WOMEN WINNING DARWIN AWARDS?!
Crazy! We haven't seen this many since never. Four below, and just coming across my desk is this report: Angela's mother admits her daughter was "always in a party mode." The 20-year-old woman was playing Nintendo in the passenger seat of a pickup when she threw her head out the open window; she was killed when her head struck several mailboxes. Authorities said the woman was "just hanging out the truck window having fun." Her mother found the story 'credible.'


--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
SHE TALKS FASTER THAN SHE WALKS -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

May 2009, Louisiana | Back seat drivers beware! Annoyed at how slowly her boyfriend was driving, Tamera B, 22, encouraged him to pick up the pace so she could get to work on time. Joking that it would be faster to walk to work, she opened the door of the pickup and stuck her foot out before falling to her death. Deputies of the jurisdictional Sheriff's Office stated that the truck was traveling at highway speed on I-12 at the timeof the incident. Her death was ruled accidental.


GIMPY WENDY -- Honorable Mention -- Confirmed True

AUGUST 2009 | NEWS: Wendy Darwin Northcutt, writer of humorous obituaries and author of five Darwin Awards books, nearly made her own dark list when she broke her leg devising a clever way to cool the house during a California heat wave. She opened up a grate in the hallway intending to install a fan to force basement air up. The phone rang and, forgetting about the hole in the floor, three hours passed before she wandered back down the hall and fell into it. Crunch!

A broken leg was the price she paid for the lesson:
Never walk away from a hole in the floor.


DOUBLE DIPPING -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

June 2009, North Carolina | Greensboro was innundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours leading to standing water, and stranding cars on several roads. Rosanne Tippett, 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she possibly had a beer, according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to share her intentions, saying, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."

North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped. Ms. Tippett had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.

The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Ms. Tippett's path home. But Ms. Tippett rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.

He then interviewed Ms. Tippett, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. The officer began to suspect that she had been drinking. When he briefly returned to his patrol car, Ms. Tippett
took the opportunity to confirm his suspicions. She escaped--by jumping back into the creek!

The Highway Patrol officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late. The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing.


TRIFECTA ELECTRA -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed True

October 2009, Florida | The Slush Pile mods say age fifteen is too young to win, but this case might be an exception. A Palm Bay couple and their 15-year-old son were putting up a ham radio antenna one evening. Bafflingly, not one of them thought to
survey their surroundings. Unaware of the presence of an unseen menace overhead, the trio raised the aerial pole in the dark, struck a power line, and Zap! Three Darwin Award winners.

"It is an unfortunate set of circumstances that led to the most tragic result," said the Palm Bay Fire Marshal. "It happened in an instant." However, it can hardly be called an accident. All three were voluntary particpants and old enough to know better.

Readers beware, power lines lurk overhead waiting for the unwary. Our thanks to 55-year-old Melville, 49-year-old Anna and 15-year-old Anthony for reminding us not to stick a pole in the power grid. Just say no to premature cremation.

Friday, November 06, 2009

VERY INSPIRING!

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.




I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?"

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Post Halloween

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP..

BUMP.....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, as the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
-
-
-
The coffin stops.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Men, Don't Say This at Victoria's Secret

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No, thanks. I'm just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this!!!

6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.

5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it here!

4. Will you model this for me?

3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace!

2. 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked anyway!

1. And the thing a man should never, ever under any circumstances say out loud in Victoria's Secret: Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat ass into that!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Little Johnny's Halloween

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

Friday, October 30, 2009

Limey Penguin

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.

One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.

Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.

Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.

"Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"

"Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin.

"Yes," replied the Ringmaster.

"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"

"Yes, Yes my feathered friend."

"Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Moral of the story is...

One day Adam's teacher told the class that everyone must find out a moral for the next day's class.

One boy came in and said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

The second boy said, "Don't judge a book by it's cover."

Then Adam came in with a broken jaw and black eyes and said, "I asked my Uncle Johnny for a moral and he told me to shut up. I told him he had to help me because it was homework." The teacher said, "What is the moral, Johnny?"

"DON''T MESS WITH UNCLE JOHNNY WHEN HE'S DRINKING!!!'

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sore Loser

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.

"My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me."

"Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks.

"I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose."

The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you."

"Well," the man says, "she's a sore loser."

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Ancient History Explained...

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"

Friday, October 23, 2009

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Bungee jumping in Mexico

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Martooni

A lady walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, gimme a martooni."

The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini.

She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini.

She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?" She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Circle Suppers

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, no mushrooms, they are too high.

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed..'

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went outon the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ole' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything
will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Blonde's Medical Exam

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Messy House - the end






So, after looking at this, it is safe to say that your house is not so bad after all.....

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Messy House - the beginning

This is an actual apartment..found in Houston after the evacuation for the hurricane.

This is NOT hurricane damage....

The apartment was found this way prior to the hurricane. Hard to believe there wasn't a fire with all the cigarettes.




Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Ugga Bugga

Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, "You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga."

The first guy says, "Well, I guess ugga bugga." The chief shouts "UGGA BUGGA!" and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary.

The chief then asks the second minister, "Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga."

He says "well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death." The chief says, "Very well," and shouts "DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!"

Monday, October 12, 2009

Happy holiday

In honor of Christopher...

Today, in America, government workers have the day off from work because of Columbus's voyage and accidental discovery of this continent. Well, he didn't actually discover it because people were living here already. No matter, it's still a holiday. I take no credit for these silly jokes.

Where did Columbus first land in America?
On his feet!

Who was the first cat to discover America?
Christopher Columpuss!

How was Columbus's ship like an avid shopper?
They're both driven by sales!

What's the difference between one of Columbus's sailors and a monster ?
One left his Spain behind and the other left his brain behind!

What would you get if you crossed October 12 with Halloween?
Ghoulumbus Day!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Afterlife

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.

"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.

"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?"

"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Cockpit error

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

Friday, October 09, 2009

Holy Golf

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Monday, October 05, 2009

Things That Make You Go "huh?"

1. I want patience and I want it now!

2. Dichotomy is the root of all evil.

3. Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.

4. I cannot tolerate intolerance.

5. I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption
that I assume you are making.

6. If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.

7. I am the most humble person on earth.

8. I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so
superior that I choose not to.

9. I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.

10. I used to think that I was superior just like you but I
overcame that fault years ago.

11. I'm modest and proud of it.

12. Superstition brings bad luck.

13. Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't
know and I don't care.

14. Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who
divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.

15. I'm not in denial.

16. You are so judgmental.

17. Is anal retentive hyphenated?

18. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

19. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

20. Everyone's an individual... but I don't think I am.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Oil Change instructions

For Women:
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.

For Men:

Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.

Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.

Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.

Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.

Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.

Make bail.

Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Test of Three

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Neck Tie Required

A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.

The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.

The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

About the Human Body...

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Mushroom goes into a Bar

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here."

The mushroom sits back and asks ,"Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Alligator in a bar

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator, takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth. He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head. The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his penis unscathed.

The crowd is left in awe.

The man then says, "If there is anyone here who is willing do the same thing, I will give them $500."

From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, "I'll do it, if you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How Tall is It?

A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn't take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
They said, "We are measuring this pole."

The man asks, "Why didn't you measure it on the ground?"

They said, "We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Another lightbulb joke

How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, you all use candles.



How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who cares? You're all stoned.

(jokes by Susan Messing/comedienne)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ba Dumbump...

What's invisible and smells like carrots???
A: Bunny farts!

Where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs?
A: Wherever you put it, dumbass.

What kind of fish does a dog catch?
A: Catfish.

What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
A: Homeless.

How do you get a hippopotamus in a mini-van?
A: Kick one of the elephants out.

Who do donkeys journey to the top of the mountain to see?
A: The Wiseass.

What goes moof?
A: A cow with buck teeth.

How do you talk to a fish?
A: You drop him a line.

What do you call a bunch of bunnies stepping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers

Monday, September 14, 2009

FLU UPDATE

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?



For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Yoga vs Drinking, part 2 of 2

Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.


Ananda Balasana
This position is great for masaging the hip area.


Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.


Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.



(Thanks to The Bearded One for providing this reason to laugh.)