Thursday, September 03, 2009

All-Purpose Apology Letter

Dear:
a) Family,
b) Sweetheart,
c) Assistant Principal,
d) Sergeant,

I am so very
a) sorry
a) damaged
b) ashamed
c) confused

about this whole
a) boondoggle.
b) wang doodle.
c) whatever I did that's making you so pissy.
d) "pressing charges" thing.

I simply could not control the
a) jet ski.
b) rocket booster.
c) Zamboni.
d) pods at the end of my arms and legs.

And while it is true that I should not have headed in the direction of your
a) white, suede loveseat,
b) Cub Scout troop,
c) wife,
d) priceless beer can artwork,

especially after consuming so much
a) sangria,
b) meth,
c) fresh air,
d) priceless beer,

it was all meant in fun!

The subsequent
a) carnage
b) soiling
c) shame
d) ongoing investigation

that I caused is, hopefully,
a) like, "whatevs."
b) covered by your policy 'cause I'm not insured.
c) beyond my comprehension -- and yours.
d) appreciated.

I humbly ask your forgiveness, though it is perfectly within your rights to
a) spank me.
b) blow up my spot.
c) claim my firstborn.
d) gouge out my eyes and feed them to your priceless koi.

Remember -- I am first and foremost your
a) only child.
b) BBF 4-eva.
c) co-signer.
d) kidney donor.

I hope that this clears up any hard feelings and
a) restores my inheritance.
b) puts us back in bed together.
c) brings you to your sanctimonious knees!
d) gets me off.

Sincerely,
Me

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