Saturday, January 31, 2009

Crossbred Dogs

Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter.

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.

Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and
clean as a whistle.

Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Talented Parrot

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Rolling Back The Odometer

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

"235,000 miles."

Her friend told her that was the problem, and then told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

Monday, January 26, 2009

More of ...And then the Fight Started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What‘s on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I
had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I‘ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight’s damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I
told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o‘clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to
his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that’s when the fight started....