Saturday, February 28, 2009

Modern Day Schtupping Advice

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way! "Men and women always dance separately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "It's forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "It's mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.

Rabbi answers, "Could lead to dancing!"

Friday, February 27, 2009

The Dirty Wife

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life. So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some crotchless panties.
She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"

"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lightbulbs

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What Happened in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

One day, on a trip to the Grand Canyon, three rednecks met a genie in the usual rubbing-the-lamp fashion.

The genie told the three rednecks that she could turn them into whatever they desired. She said that they had to pick what they wanted to be, run off the cliff, say it in mid-air and they would become that.

So the first redneck started running, and as soon as he left the edge of the cliff, he shouted, "Eagle!" and flew off.

The next redneck, wanting to be a little more advanced, ran off and shouted, "Plane," and so he flew off.

The last redneck took off runinng, but tripped over a rock just before he left ground and said "SHIT!"

And so he fell to the ground as a pile of shit, and that's where he is today.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Swim Meet

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.

The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second.

An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.