Saturday, April 04, 2009

Religious Nuts

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Headlines from around the globe

*Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

*Miners Refuse to Work after Death

*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

*War Dims Hope for Peace

*If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

*Enfield**(London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Thursday, April 02, 2009

New Ice Cream Flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream
has issued a new flavor, "Barocky Road".

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice Cream.

Aren't you feeling stimulated?

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Rules for Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.