Saturday, April 11, 2009

Sheep Boy

A farmer finds a man screwing one of his sheep and a little boy watching.

He walks up to the boy and asks, "Who's that screwing my sheep?"

The boy replies, "That's my Daa-aa-aad."

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Farmer's Sons

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"

The farmer said "Well done, son."

The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.

He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute.

"I'll give you a fuck if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you fuck me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.

On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."

The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $50 bucks for a fucked up duck."

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Taking the Bait

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Talks to the Animals

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"

"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"

The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"

The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."

The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."

The rancher's eyes pop wide open.

The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"

"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."

The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"

The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."

"Well then, what's the harm?"

"Go right ahead," says the rancher.

The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."

The rancher's jaw drops.

The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"

"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."

The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"

The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

New Bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Monday, April 06, 2009

Pheasant and Bull Dung

A pheasant says to a bull, "I would love to get on top of that tree, but I haven't the energy."

"Well," says the bull, "why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with nutrients."

So the pheasant eats some dung and finds that it gives him enough energy to get to the first branch. The next day, he eats some more and gets to the next branch. This cycle continues for a week. Finally, the pheasant is at the top of the tree, where he is spotted by the farmer, who shoots him with a shotgun.

Moral of the Story: bullshit might take you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Translating Male Responses

It's a guy thing.
-- There is no rationale or logic, and I don't feel like trying to come up with any.

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
-- I'm conditioned to agree, but it doesn't mean I'm listening.

"That's interesting, dear."
-- I acknowledge that you're STILL talking.

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
-- I forgot our anniversary again.

"You know how bad my memory is."
-- I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
-- It's a guy thing. (see above)

"What did I do this time?"
-- I hope you haven't been checking my e-mail.

"I heard you."
-- I heard words coming out of your mouth, and now you can stop talking.

"I don't need to read the instructions."
-- It's my right to do this my way and screw it up on my own.