Saturday, May 23, 2009

Top Catholic Secrets

This information is for Catholics only.
It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

Friday, May 22, 2009

P.M.S.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know...."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Faster than a tiger

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.

"Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

"I don't have to run faster than that tiger. I just have to run faster than you."

Just Friends

Q: What do you call women who hang out with hookers?

A: Support hoes.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Husband wants to know...

A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her obstetrician. After the exam, she shyly says, "My husband wants me to ask you something.

The doctor says, "I think I know what you're going to ask -- yes, sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confesses. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."