Saturday, December 05, 2009

One-liners (to last you the weekend)

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride

Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.

Why are women's wedding dress' colored white?
It already matches the kitchen appliances.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

How are men and parking spots the same?
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!

When is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!

What did one undertaker say to the other?
Pass me another cold one!

Friday, December 04, 2009

Hubby Homing Device

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

x-mas gifts a wife can choose...

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.

The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other."

The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.

The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

In the Marines

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.

The colonel bellows, “DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?”

Then the soldier says “NO, SIR.”

The colonel shouts, “WHY NOT?” Then the soldier says, “BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!”

The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, “DID THAT HURT?”

The soldier responds, “NO, SIR.”

And the colonel says “WHY NOT?”

Then the soldier shouts, “BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!”

The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound.

The colonel asks him “DID THAT HURT?”

And the soldier says “NO, SIR.”

Then the colonel shouts, “WHY NOT?”

Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, “BECAUSE IT WAS HIS."

Monday, November 30, 2009

New Recruit

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."