Saturday, May 15, 2010

On Estrogen

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1.  Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".

6.  Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8.  All dept stores everywhere have changed the measurements and kept the same size tags inside their clothes.  That is the cruelist thing they could do.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Pregnancy Questions

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.



Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?



Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.



Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.



Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.