Friday, October 21, 2005

Reply to the Notice of Revocation of Independence

(Click here for the Notice of Revocation of Independence)

Dear Sirs:

We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors. While some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed.

As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchical duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised. But in any event, she may resume their duties, as they appear to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as she ages, she keeps from stepping foot in our car parks.

As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices. I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox Lewis, for that matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of both the tube and the Gatwick express.

Now, in specific response to your proposals:


1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a dictionary, namely the Random House Canadian version. I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of like a list of the countries in which English is spoken --

United States of America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the home rule option.

2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely English. Please continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings.

3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents. Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler chainsmokers of you speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the starting gun, rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.

4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals. Hollywood should begin casting English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the past year or so than all British actors combined.

5) My country 'tis of thee.
Sweet land of liberty.
Of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died.
Land of the pilgrims pride.
From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring.

It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the difference.

6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to come on over and sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the match.

As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many of them would survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America. It's called work ethic.

7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you. (ed. note: a few of us snuck back in)

8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election. We might also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German."

9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good. We will show you American women and you will know what we mean.

10) Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."

While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?

Thank you.

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