Saturday, December 22, 2007

That Frosty

Friday, December 21, 2007

Ken's wish list

c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.



Thursday, December 20, 2007

First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Breaking the News is Worth a Beer

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

Sunday, December 16, 2007

More from the Darwin files


Confirmed True by Darwin

21 May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used
alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.

The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to
a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite
beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of
a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid
ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out)
the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed.
The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself
from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment."
Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as
astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised
to learn of the incident.

DARWIN AWARD: Elephants Press Back
Confirmed True by Darwin

2007, India | Increased mining and recent rains in southeast India
have unsettled the wildife. In the past months, migrating elephants
have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of journalists
decided to interview this herd of rogue elephants.

The four reporters went into the forest in search of the rogues -- on

Elephants are big, and elephants are fast. As the recent deaths
illustrate, a person can't out-run an elephant. But these intrepid
journalists apparently assumed that a press pass grants immunity.

With a nose for news, the journalists sniffed out the herd. Once
located, it was only natural that they should capture the photogenic
animals on film. Unfortunately, the elephants were camera shy.
Angered by the flash, the irritated herd charged the paparazzi,
miraculously killing only one of the four.

His remains could not be retrieved.

Unconfirmed by Darwin

Working in a suburban ER, my first patient of the evening was a
young man suffering fron a gunshot wound. His story? "I was at
a party and went outside to take a piss. Somebody did a drive-by
and shot me." I examined him and found a small-calber entry wound
at the anterior base of his penis, out the mid-shaft, in and out
his right testicle, and into his right thigh, where the bullet lodged.

A highly improbable trajectory for a drive-by.

I picked up his pants, which had been cut off and thrown aside.
Inside the waistband of his white jeans were unmistakeable powder
burns. I said to him "You had a gun down your pants!"

At first he denied it, but finally admitted to shooting himself
playing "quick-draw" with a friend. The reason for the attempted
deception? He was on parole for a weapons violation. The nature
of the injury effectively removed him fron the gene pool.


Confirmed True by Darwin

August 2006, Leicester, England | Darren's death was a mystery.
The The 33-year-old was found slumped in the hallway of his house,
bleeding from stab wounds to his chest. Police initially assumed
that an assailant had attacked him, but they could find no supporting
evidence. A year later, the inquest revealed why Darren can stake
his claim to a place among the winners of the Darwin Award.

Darren had called a friend, but minutes after he hung up, rang back
to ask for an ambulance. The front door was ajar, and Darren was
found lying near a bloodstained lock-knife he had purchased whilst
on holiday in Spain. Forensics investigators saw no indication of a
struggle, and the coroner reported that the stab wounds seemed to be
self-inflicted. However, Darren had shown no suicidal tendencies.

His wife, who was on holiday at the time of the incident, cleared up
the mystery, and revealed why our subject will go down in history as
a Darwin Award winner. As she was leaving for the holiday, she
remembered Darren wondering whether his new jacket was 'stab-proof'.

That's right. Darren had decided to find out if his jacket could
withstand a knife attack. Did he choose to test his jacket while
it was draped over the back of a chair? No, our man decided that
the best approach would be to wear the garment and stab himself.
Sadly, his choice of armor proved less resistant to a sharp blade
than he had hoped.

The coroner reached a verdict of accidental death by 'misadventure'.
Confirmed True by Darwin

2003, California | John, a Los Angeles real estate attorney, was
skimming leaves from his pool when he noticed a palm frond caught
i the power lines. His education had equipped him with sufficient
acumen to become a successful litigator. Yet he was not shrewd
enough to avoid becoming a toasty critter, when he reached up
with the long metal pole and poked at the palm frond.

John was, for once, the path of least resistance.

Perhaps as an homage to his litigation skills, his family sued
both the utility company and the pool supply store, for failure
to disclose the danger of poking a metal rod into the power lines.