Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hierarchy

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends: "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second one chirps: "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic lady, a heavy set woman, just sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a male stripper. He's 6' 2", hard-bodied, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh, my God..."

Friday, January 27, 2006

Hand Phone

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers, like on a telephone, but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender comes over and tells him that it's a very tough neighborhood and that he doesn't need any troubles from weirdos here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying around the cellular."

"Prove it!" demands the bartender. So the guy dials up a number and holds his hand up to the bartender's ear. The bartender talks into the guy's hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible." says the bartender. "I never would have believed it!"

"Yeah!" said the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, wife, you name it. By the way, where's the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room and finds the guy spread eagle against the wall, his pants down around his knees and a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my God!? said the bartender. "Did the locals do this to you?"

The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."


Thanks to SafeTinspector for this one

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Insults Galore

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day,Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."


With thanks to Safetinspector for these

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Now it all makes sense

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the USA is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.


With thanks to Safetinspector for this one

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Don't Speak English

(A)The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Insurance Details

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find the side of his parked car rammed in.

Seeing a note under the windshield, he reads it.

On the paper is written:

"As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me.
They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company.

But I'm not..."