7 reasons not to mess with a child

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats a husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..


Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish, too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled.

With thanks to Cappy for this one.

Men are like...

Men are like - Laxatives: They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like - Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like - Vacations: They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like - Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like - Blenders: You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like - Chocolate Bars: Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like - Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like - Department Stores: Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like - Government Bonds: They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like - Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like - Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like - Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like - Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.



Don't worry guys, I've got Blonde Joke lined up for tomorrow

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1. Sag! You're It!

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

3. 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear

4. Kick the Bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

6. Doc, Doc, Goose

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

8. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Hide and Go Pee!

If College Students Wrote the Bible

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font and a new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

25 Signs That You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed-up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

Never take your days for granted nor the people in your life.

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

10 best things to say when caught sleeping at your desk

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! I must have left the top off the Tippex. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to your biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."



And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... for ever and ever. Amen."

Men Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note - these are all numbered "1" on purpose.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday - SPORTS. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints to not work. Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in any argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Pach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!

1. Don't' ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such subjects as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men don't mind that. It's like camping.

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT!
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

10 most dangerous species of help desk callers

1. "The Expert": Userus expertia
"The Expert" user is the curse of most IT support establishments. Experts try out something they heard about from "the bloke in the pub," an unqualified expert on everything who offers advice to anyone who will listen. Experts usually make a complete mess of their systems when they follow the bloke's advice. Then they compound the problem by trying to fix it themselves, often destroying their machines. As a last resort, they call the help desk and demand that their machines be replaced or mended immediately, as they have urgent work that can't wait. There has been an Expert at every place I have worked. I leave it to you to decide who your resident Expert is.

2. "The Fiddler": Userus manipulata
The motto of "The Fiddler" is: "I wonder what happens if...." I've placed these callers next because they are the most closely related to the Expert. These callers don't realize that some files actually make their computers work. If they don't recognize a file as one of their own, they delete it and are surprised when something then stops working. Unlike the Expert, they don't say anything about the problem; you only discover it months later from a casual remark, such as, "Oh no, that hasn't worked for ages. I meant to call you." Fiddlers are usually very pleasant people—who will drive you mad.

3. "The Mouse": Userus rodentia
"The Mouse" is more common than the previous two and fortunately less harmful. For this species of caller, the big gray box is a source of blind terror. I can remember talking on the phone to a Mouse at a UK communications company. She had worked in a telephone exchange for years and was suddenly given a PC to help her. She had not asked for it and didn't want it. The screen was making strange noises, and she was concerned.
"I don't want it to explode or anything," she wailed.
"No," I said patronizingly, "they don't explode. There's no explosive in them."
Then I heard a loud "BANG!" through the phone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"My screen has just exploded," she replied.

4. "The Train Spotter": Userus geekissimus
"The Train Spotter" is most often the offspring of an Expert and a Fiddler. These callers are usually harmless and don't have many computer problems. What they do have is an IT magazine, which they have read from cover to cover. The Train Spotter will invariably corner an unsuspecting help desk tech and proceed to bore the tech rigid by sharing their knowledge. The main difference between Train Spotters and other callers is that Train Spotters do not usually phone the help desk; they visit in person. I'm not quite sure what they want from the help desk, but they take up a lot of time asking various questions about new innovations, about which I usually know nothing. I have found no explanation for the existence of this user other than that the Expert and Fiddler conceived the Train Spotter on a trip to a computer trade fair.

5. "The Paranoid User": Userus newbigata
"Paranoid Users" are convinced that the computer has an intelligence of its own and is out to get them. The machine is constantly doing something that causes a problem. The computer will maliciously alter their documents, obliterate all references to their passwords, and lose work they have saved. If a machine is ever going to break down, it will be while being used by a Paranoid. This species' one saving grace is determination. They never give up, as much as you wish they would.

6. "The I'm-building-a-case User": Userus fabricatum
"The I'm-building-a-case User" is grinding an axe to get some new gadget brought in to his department or have an old one taken away. They report hundreds of trivial problems, hoping upper management will buy them the latest all-singing and all -dancing machine. The real problem with this species of caller is the fact that they are usually not trying to replace computer equipment. This user doesn't see the difference between computers and any other piece of office equipment. I have often been required to pass opinions on all kinds of electrical equipment even after pointing out my lack of knowledge on the subject. I do not evaluate coffee makers. I do not drink coffee, and I know nothing about the black arts involved in its production.

7. "The Just-testing User": Userus gustulata
"The Just-testing User" is not even using a computer but wants to test your knowledge and, if possible, trip you up. The best technique for dealing with this species is by answering questions with "I don't know." They cannot deal with this straight capitulation. Most Just-testing users would love the chance to show your boss how useless you are or how little you know. They are thrilled when you give a wrong answer and will crow about it incessantly.

8. "Pig Pen": Userus perfumia
Based on the Charles M. Schulz Peanuts character, "Pig Pen" has the messiest, most unhygienic work area in the company. Pig Pen's personal hygiene is fine; it is only the workspace that is a hazard. It is a graveyard for old coffee cups, half-eaten green sandwiches, used Kleenex, and moldy sock collections. Pig Pens are some of the nicest and most technically able people you know. They usually give the help desk very little trouble except when their keyboard needs replacing, which is often. Pig Pen is a mainstay of most companies, the backbone of whatever department he or she works for. If that were not the case, the company would have let them go years ago.

9. "The I-don't-want-to-hear-that! User": Userus headinsandia
This is a rather curious species. They call, ask a question, and if they don't hear what they want, they take it personally. I always wonder why they ask, if they don't want to know the answer. It does not seem to matter that what they want is not possible. All they want is to hear the answer they're for.

10. "The End-of-my-tether User": Userus adlimitus
This is the angriest but, perversely, often the easiest to deal with. After spending weeks attempting to resolve their own queries, they finally swallow their pride and call the help desk. Calls from this type of user usually end in one of three ways:

a. The problem's solution can be found simply by reading page 1 of his instruction manual, which, of course, the caller has not done.
b. The caller is informed that the operation she is trying to perform cannot be performed with the equipment or software that she has.
c. The caller has already found a solution but phoned the help desk to let you know how frustrated, mad, or unsatisfied he is.

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.


Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?


Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.


Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

You know you're a nurse if...

You know you're a nurse if...

1. You believe every patient needs TLC ... thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine...
2. You would like to meet the inventor of the call light some night in a dark alley....
3. You believe not all patients are annoying .... some are unconscious.......
4. Your sense of humour gets more "warped" each year....
5. You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.......
6. You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.....
7. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually...
8. When asked "What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?" ...you show them your shoes!
9. Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.........
10. You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicine he is dispensing than he knows...
11. You carry more "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.........
12. You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flashbacks."
13. You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
14. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up....
15. You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse...
16. Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
17. You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own...........
18. You live by the motto, " to be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
19. You've basted your thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.......
20. You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off...
21. You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help...
22. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly normal....
23. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank......
24. When checking the level of orientation of a patient you aren't sure of the answer...
25. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines...
26. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up........
27. You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest...

A Bunch of Silly Jokes

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"


"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"


Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.


A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said
'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the
local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where
you're calling from.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And
then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman
came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said
'I careered off the road.'


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"


Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the
other "Does this taste funny to you?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it
said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."


A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't
seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"


A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt
my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what
can you expect from a cross-breed.


I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.


I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years

You Know You're a Mum When...

In honour of the fact that today is Mother's Day


You Know You're A Mom When...

Your feet stick to strawberry jam on the kitchen floor... and you don't care.

When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

Popsicles become a food staple.

Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spillyour guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping,washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking,driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting children to bed, dragging them out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls,rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping-rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.

You get up at5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

Hospital Charts

Apparently these are actual writings on hospital charts...

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Old Jokes

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly " I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Rules All Straight Men Should Know

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow party goers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immedicate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable .

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buggalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem; you didn't see nothing.

14.The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is BEER

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (dutch oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officialy your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "what this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Prases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" " another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. that's just plain mean.

22. never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him... too gay.

24. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a F*** **F, you are absolved of your responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling wierd and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Emoticons - my arse!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.


Well, how about some "arseicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse

Equations

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.