Saturday, September 03, 2005
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
Friday, September 02, 2005
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
"That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".
"Wow, that's correct, how did you guess?"
"I didn't feel a thing"
Thursday, September 01, 2005
She heard the train stop and her son said...."All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the Hell off now, cause this is the last stop!!!! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!!!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for 2 hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train but only if you use nice language".
Two hours later, the boy came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
The mother could only smile, thinking her son had learned his lesson. But then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen!"
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
"How are three people going to> travel on only one ticket?" asks one manager.
"Just watch and you'll see,"> answers an engineer.
They all board the train and the managers take their seats and watch as all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor> takes it and moves on.
The managers see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the managers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one manager.
"Just watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They board the train. The three managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the managers' stall, knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please".
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Monday, August 29, 2005
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN:
1. You can have a monkey for president without electing him.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a moron and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH:
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah!
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN:
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
Sunday, August 28, 2005
5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
2 degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totalled.
Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and God knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. I'm moving back to South Carolina!